Shopping for my mom is extremely difficult. One year I gave her some Julia Roberts movies on VHS, and she scowled and said, “Why I wanna watch these?” Another time I bought her a nice light blue sweater from the Gap, and the following year she flew out to Seattle for a visit and brought a bunch of clothes for me, one of which was the same sweater I gave her for Christmas. Lately, though, my siblings and I have had success pooling together for a big gift that makes Mom happy. Even if the Great Big Present from the Kids doesn’t work out, there’s always Estee Lauder or Clinique to fall back on — she goes apepoop for cosmetics and perfume.

My mom had called on New Year’s Eve to see what I was doing to celebrate, but I missed her call so she left a message. Here’s what she said, verbatim: “What are you doing New Year’s Eve? Partying already?! *silence* Anywayyyy, I call for have a happy new year and lots of luck to my baby girl. Okay? Then healthy, okay? Bye.”