Mom’s Christmas Present

Dec 30

Mom’s Christmas Present

Christmas has come and gone. My mom, as promised, sent me a Christmas card with a check enclosed (because I disappointed her by not banking through Bank of America). Before it arrived, she called me a couple times to remind me that the check was for me and Jason, not just me.

Mom: “I send you card and check.”

Me: “Great, thanks. I’ll let you know when it arrives.”

Mom: “Check for you AND Jason.”

Me: “Okay.”

Mom: “Half the half.” (She meant half and half, like split it evenly.)

Me: “Yep, I will.”

The check arrived and I called Mom to thank her again.

Me: “Thanks so much for the Christmas money! It was really generous of you.”

Mom: “You welcome, bayyyyy-beeee! Merry Christmas!”

Me: “Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too!”

Mom: “… understand what I mean, right?”

Me: “…uh, mean by what?”

Mom: “You and Jason. Share. Half the half.”

Me, laughing: “Yes, I remember! I’ll share with him, I promise.”

Mom: “Good. You better.”

Previously I had asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she mentioned “navigation,” as in a GPS. I was doubtful about getting her one for Christmas but my brother John pointed out that we didn’t exactly have any other ideas, so I buckled and ordered a pretty decent Tom Tom for Mom. My siblings and I all went in on it together and I shipped it to John’s house so he could give it to her.

Over Christmas weekend John texted me this photo:

From left to right: my niece, my Korean mom with an overly complicated piece of technology, and my other niece's arm wielding a thumb's up.

I called him to get the details of what Mom thought of her fancy new gift.

Me: “So what’d Mom think of the GPS? Did she like it?”

John: “Yeah, she seemed to like it alright. I set it up for her so it should be good to go.”

Me: “Cool.”

John: “…although out of nowhere she exclaimed, ‘How I charge? I plug into car?’ I told her yeah, to plug it into her car charger and she got all worried and said, ‘But I use car charger for butt warmer!'”

Apparently my mom has some seat warmers that she is incredibly fond of, so the Sophie’s Choice dilemma of choosing either knowing where she was going or having a toasty ass was too much for her to bear. Thankfully, my brother pointed out that her car had two charging outlets so the crisis was diverted and she’s able to enjoy both perks simultaneously.

Later, I called my mom to wish her a merry Christmas.

Me: “So you like the GPS?”

Mom: “Yeah, is okay.”

Me: “What? Just okay? That’s what you said you wanted for Christmas!”

Mom, defensively: “That’s what John say he gonna buy me, but he never do!”

This is how my mom’s mind works: if you say you’re going to do something for her, regardless of whether or not it’s something she even wants, she’ll expect you to carry it out. Because my brother John once suggested possibly buying her a GPS half a year ago, she henceforth expected to receive a GPS even if she didn’t even really want or need one. I could jokingly promise to buy her some MMA personal training and eight months later she’d scold me for never actually doing it, even though she’d snap in half like a pretzel rod four minutes into her first lesson.

Me: “So are you even going to use it?”

Mom, dismissively: “Yeah, sometimes.”

Well then. Merry Christmas, Mom.

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