That One Time Mom Accidentally Briefly Had a Facebook Account

Jan 23

That One Time Mom Accidentally Briefly Had a Facebook Account

Mom added me on Facebook, setting off a brief but terrifying several-hour-long stretch where I contemplated how difficult it would be to fake my own death and start over in a far-reaching corner of the world.

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My Mom Now Has an iPhone. God Help Us All.

Apr 01

A few weeks ago I had mentioned to my mom that I recently bought a new iPhone. Since my phone conversations with her lately have sounded as if she were calling from a potato, she asked what I was planning to do with my old iPhone 3GS. I told her I could send it to her since she uses AT&T and could just have them activate the device, and she got really excited by the prospect of getting a new free smartphone that’s in far better condition than whatever awful-sounding device she had been using. After I offered to send it to her, my mother became a Korean Terminator, seeking me out constantly and asking me when I was going to ship the phone. Two weeks ago, she called me when I was on my way to the hardware store to pick up a few items. Me: “Hello?” Mom: “Hi, honeyyyyyyyy. Whatchoo doing?” Me: “I’m going to the hardware store to pick up a few things.” Mom: “Oh, really?…I calling you to see if you still gonna send me EYE Phone.” Me: “Yeah, I’ll send it to you next week.” Mom: “Okay, good! I very excited to get new phone. I sound bad now, right?” Me: “Yeah, the connection is terrible, I can barely hear you.” Mom: “So bad. I need to get new phone. Send soon as you can, okay?” Me: “Don’t worry, I will.” Mom: “Okay, thank you bay-beeeeee. Love you. Bye.” I got to Lowe’s, picked up my four items, paid for them, and was driving home when my phone started vibrating. I glanced down and saw it was my mom. Again. Confused as to why she was calling me 15 minutes after we had last spoken, I answered. Me: “Uh, hello?” Mom: “Rebecca! It’s Mom.” She often identifies herself on the phone as if I get loads of calls from various Asian-accented women and can’t correctly identify her by voice. Me: “Yeah, I know. What’s up?” Mom: “Don’t forget to send charger!” Me: “What?” Mom: “When you send EYE Phone, don’t forget to send charger with it!” Me, laughing: “I’m not going to forget! Geez!” Mom: “Okay. I sit here this whole time thinking about...

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My Mother the Lazy Opportunist

Mar 13

Earlier I wrote about my brother’s hip surgery and how my mom stuffed him full of food as if he were facing the electric chair instead of a scalpel. John has had a slow and painful but steady recovery since the operation. This past weekend he progressed from using a walker to help move around to hobbling around on a pair of crutches. My mother, the lazy opportunist, took note of this recent change and asked him about it. Mom: “So…you using crutches now? No walker?” John: “Yeah, I’m feeling strong enough to get by with the crutches now.” She fell silent, the gears turning in her head. Mom: “…so whatchoo gonna do with walker?” John: “Uhhh…do you…want it?” Mom, happily: “Yeah! I use around house!” Let me clarify something: my mom is not disabled. She’s got the strength and athleticism of Mr. Burns, but she’s otherwise able-bodied and self-sufficient. There is no legitimate need for her to use a walker. John: “What the heck do you need a walker for?” Mom, indignant: “Sometimes I sore. Walker help me around house.” So there you go — my mom pouncing on an opportunity to maximize her...

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Mom vs. the Washing Machine

May 08

Mom vs. the Washing Machine

Back in October when I visited my mom, her friend was gracious enough to let me and my boyfriend stay at her condo in Rochester Hills. The place was nice–two bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, a nice kitchen and living room. There was also a washer and dryer that Jason and I were eager to use because we were going to be away from Seattle for a few weeks and would obviously need to wash our clothes at some point. During the middle of our stay we decided to fire up the washing machine to clean some of our sweaty exercise apparel. Jas loaded up the machine, added some soap, adjusted the settings, and closed the hall closet doors to muffle the sound of the machine in action. He then returned to his laptop to get a little bit of work done. I was also glued to my laptop while my mom puttered around in the kitchen getting things ready for dinner. And then: Mom: “Wahhhhhhh! My gahhhh!! Oh my gahhhhh!!!” Jas and I ran out of the bedroom to see what the hell my little Korean mom was hollering about and quickly determined the culprit: soap was leaking out from under the hall closet door. It was clearly coming from the washing machine, so we all scrambled to grab some towels and mop up the mess. Mom: “Wha happen? You break washing machine?” Jason: “No, I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t know what’s wrong with it. Maybe it’s leaking.” Mom: “Door leaking?” Jason: “Yeah, it could be the door. I’m not sure.” The washing machine was a front loader, so a leak could be possible. Mom narrowed her eyes, suspicious. Mom: “How much soap you use?” Jason: “A normal amount.” Mom: “You sure?” She Larry Davided him. Jason: “Yes, I just did one scoop. I didn’t use too much soap.” Mom: “You pick ‘small wash’?” Jason, sighing: “I picked a regular load and used a regular amount of soap.” Mom: “Okay…I think too much soap.” She retrieved her cell phone from her purse and called her friend, the owner of the condo. Mom: “[unintelligible Korean]…washing machine…[unintelligible Korean]…load size…[unintelligible Korean]…soap…” Jason, to me: “I don’t know what...

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Mom’s Christmas Present

Dec 30

Mom’s Christmas Present

Christmas has come and gone. My mom, as promised, sent me a Christmas card with a check enclosed (because I disappointed her by not banking through Bank of America). Before it arrived, she called me a couple times to remind me that the check was for me and Jason, not just me. Mom: “I send you card and check.” Me: “Great, thanks. I’ll let you know when it arrives.” Mom: “Check for you AND Jason.” Me: “Okay.” Mom: “Half the half.” (She meant half and half, like split it evenly.) Me: “Yep, I will.” The check arrived and I called Mom to thank her again. Me: “Thanks so much for the Christmas money! It was really generous of you.” Mom: “You welcome, bayyyyy-beeee! Merry Christmas!” Me: “Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too!” Mom: “…..you understand what I mean, right?” Me: “…uh, mean by what?” Mom: “You and Jason. Share. Half the half.” Me, laughing: “Yes, I remember! I’ll share with him, I promise.” Mom: “Good. You better.” Previously I had asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she mentioned “navigation,” as in a GPS. I was doubtful about getting her one for Christmas but my brother John pointed out that we didn’t exactly have any other ideas, so I buckled and ordered a pretty decent Tom Tom for Mom. My siblings and I all went in on it together and I shipped it to John’s house so he could give it to her. Over Christmas weekend John texted me this photo: I called him to get the details of what Mom thought of her fancy new gift. Me: “So what’d Mom think of the GPS? Did she like it?” John: “Yeah, she seemed to like it alright. I set it up for her so it should be good to go.” Me: “Cool.” John: “…although out of nowhere she exclaimed, ‘How I charge? I plug into car?’ I told her yeah, to plug it into her car charger and she got all worried and said, ‘But I use car charger for butt warmer!'” Apparently my mom has some seat warmers that she is incredibly fond of, so the Sophie’s Choice dilemma of choosing either knowing where she was going...

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Teaching Mom About the Ironman (Again)

Dec 08

While we were in Michigan in October, one day my brother and his wife and kids were planning to come over for dinner, so my mom said she’d come over at about 3 pm to get started on everything. Naturally, at 10:30 my phone rang. Me: “Hello?” Mom: “Hi honey, it’s Mom. Okay if I come over now?” So of course Mom ended up coming over 4 hours earlier than she initially said. She prepped a bunch of food while Jason and I got some work done in the other room. After a while, the kitchen grew silent. I walked down the hallway and found my mom laying on the couch, staring at the wall. Me: “Uh, you okay?” Mom: “Yeah, all done.” Me: “…you, uh, need anything?” Mom: “No.” Me: “You can leave and come back if you want. You don’t have to just sit here with nothing to do.” Mom: “Is okay! I might take a nap! Mommy tired.” Me: “Okay…well, Jas and I are gonna go for a run.” Since Jason was training for the Seattle marathon and I was planning on doing the half, we were trying to get a lot of runs in while we were out of town. We both changed and took off along a nearby trail. For the most part the run went well, but on the way back the weather turned and it got cold and windy and started to rain really hard. By the time we got back to the condo, we were soaking wet and shivering. I buzzed the condo so Mom could let us in. She opened the door and exclaimed “Oh my gahhh, you soaked!” Me: “Yeah, it started to rain really hard.” Mom: “How far you run?” Me: “About eight miles.” Mom: “Whaaaaa?! Eight miles! Wowwww, no wonder you butt smaller now!” Me, laughing: “Thanks.” We got cleaned up as Mom started to cook. I sat down at the kitchen table. Me: “We’re losing weight and training for another Ironman. You remember when I did one last year?” Mom: “Yeah. What’s I-uhrn-race again? You run and bike?” Me: “You swim 2.4 miles–” Mom: “Whaaaa?? That far?!” Me: “Yeah.” Mom: “What happens you drown?” Me, confused:...

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