Mom’s Ridiculously Short Attention Span

Last weekend I did a long bike ride and developed what’s called a “saddle sore” (or a gigantic, mutated form of one) after riding 80 miles. I wrote about the whole awkward-yet-amusing ordeal on my athlete blog in case you’re interested in reading the backstory behind the grossest trip to the women’s health clinic ever. After I got back from the doctor, I had a chat with my mom and filled her in on what had happened. I didn’t know at the time that her attention was divided between our phone call and something else.

Me: “Do you know what a cyst is?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “So I did a bike ride last weekend in Idaho and rode 80 miles, and I developed a cyst near my pubic bone so I had to go to the doctor.”

Mom: “Oh my gahhhhhhh!! What they do?!”

Me: “I went to the gynecologist and she drained it.”

Mom: “Oh my gahhhh!!! What, the cyst? What they drain? Drain the wha, liquid?”

Me: “Well yeah.”

Mom: “Oh my gahhhhhh. It hurt!”

Me: “Hell yeah it hurt, that’s what happens when a doctor uses a needle on your crotch!”

Mom: “Be careful when you riding the bike!…I think bike ride have something to do with it!” I could hear her Eureka! moment over the phone, and I’d be proud of her deductive reasoning if I hadn’t just told her how I had gotten the cyst at the beginning of our conversation.

Me: “I just told you it was from the bike ride!”

Mom: “Well you better get rest! Don’t walk around…and stuff.” I don’t want to imagine what she meant by “and stuff.”

Me: “Oh, it’s fine now. The doctor said I don’t need any recovery time or anything. I’m alright.”

Mom: “Oh my gahhhh…crappy church.”

Me: “What?” Where did this church come from? Was she driving?

Mom: “I watching Uh-mer-ee-kun Idol. This black guy Joshua go to home town. His father’s a preacher. It’s really crappy church.”

Me: “…oh.”

Mom: “So crappy. Anyway, I call you in couple days see how you’re feeling. I talk to you later, honey.”

And that’s how I found out a crappy church was more interesting to my mom than her daughter’s embarrassing health issues. Not that I blame her.