My Mother the Lazy Opportunist

Earlier I wrote about my brother’s hip surgery and how my mom stuffed him full of food as if he were facing the electric chair instead of a scalpel. John has had a slow and painful but steady recovery since the operation. This past weekend he progressed from using a walker to help move around to hobbling around on a pair of crutches. My mother, the lazy opportunist, took note of this recent change and asked him about it.

Mom: “So…you using crutches now? No walker?”

John: “Yeah, I’m feeling strong enough to get by with the crutches now.”

She fell silent, the gears turning in her head.

Mom: “…so whatchoo gonna do with walker?”

John: “Uhhh…do you…want it?”
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Mom, happily: “Yeah! I use around house!”

Let me clarify something: my mom is not disabled. She’s got the strength and athleticism of Mr. Burns, but she’s otherwise able-bodied and self-sufficient. There is no legitimate need for her to use a walker.

John: “What the heck do you need a walker for?”

Mom, indignant: “Sometimes I sore. Walker help me around house.”

So there you go — my mom pouncing on an opportunity to maximize her laziness.