Mom Reacts to Kim Jong-il’s Death and His Son’s Rise to Power

Jan 11

Mom Reacts to Kim Jong-il’s Death and His Son’s Rise to Power

Recently I called Mom to wish her a happy new year. During our call, I brought up North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s death to see what she thought about it. Me: “What do you think about Kim Jong-il dying?” Mom: “Good. I happy.” Me: “Yeah?” Mom: “Yeah, he terrible. Good that he’s dead.” Me: “What do you think’s going to happen to North Korea now?” Mom: “His son in charge now.” Me: “Yeah, Kim Jong-un.” Mom, disgusted: “His son’s smart aleck. He think he’s tough, he knows it all, he think he got power.” Me, laughing: “What?” Mom, defiant: “I could kick his ass.” Me, laughing even harder: “WHAT?!” Mom: “Smart mouth. He think he knows it all. He think he’s smarter than his father. Without experience, he try to be hot shot. South Korea afraid he’s gonna do something just for the heck of it, young kid’s mind. You know how you kids do when you younger.” Me: “I never thought to start a war with another country!” Mom, scowling: “You know what I...

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Mom’s Forceful Clothing Donations

Jan 09

Mom’s Forceful Clothing Donations

One of the things my mom likes to do every time I come to visit (other than stuff me full of food) is to pluck something out of her closet and try to give it to me (since she loves to give people clothes, whether or not they actually fit the recipient). She always has something that’s either newly purchased or bought but never worn that sits in her room awaiting my next visit. When I flew to Michigan in October, she tried to pawn a few things onto me. Mom: “You wear skuht [skirt]?” Me: “Uh, well, I guess if I’m going somewhere nice maybe I’ll wear–” Mom: “Good! Now you lost weight, I have skuht for you.” She disappeared into her bedroom, my boyfriend laughing at the backhanded remark. I sighed and assumed that my mom has been itching to gift this incredible piece of clothing to me but was forced to wait until I lost 15 pounds. She emerged with a black poly-nylon knee-length skirt. The front had some sort of jeweled gathering. It looked very much unlike something I’d wear (I work from home, so “dressing up” for me is putting on jeans and a sweater). Mom: “See? Nice, right?” Me: “Uh, I guess I’ll try it on.” I went into the bathroom and yanked on the skirt. It smelled like a Korean lady blend of sweet-scented perfume and vague spices and had a Korean label I couldn’t read. I checked myself out in the mirror to see how it looked and was dismayed to see that the fit of the skirt resulted in the complete disappearance of my ass. I didn’t think it was possible for an article of clothing to actually give you the Asian No-Butt look, but this skirt managed to succeed. I trotted out, looking like Ralphie in the pink bunny suit. Mom: “You look nice!” Me: “I dunno know, it fits kind of weird…” Mom: “Noooo, it’s supposed to look like that! Very nice.” Me: “Uh, well…Jas?” I looked over at Jason, desperate for some help here. Jason, uneasy: “It’s…not something you generally wear.” He had also noted the Flat Butt Syndrome. Mom: “Okay, I have other things.” She disappeared...

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No Time for Skype

Jan 03

No Time for Skype

Unsurprisingly, my mom is incredibly technologically inept. Every so often I’ll browse My Mom is a FOB and alternately feel pangs of jealousy and waves of relief that these submitters’ mothers know how to text and send email (jealousy because I’d have so much more blog material if my mom were more technologically savvy, relief because I’d fear my mom scrutinizing everything I post on Facebook, Twitter, email, text, or hell, even this blog). When I was visiting Mom in October, I tested the waters and brought up the idea of her learning how to use a computer and having an email address. Me: “Do you use a computer at all?” Mom: “Yeah, I play games sometimes.” Me: “Would you want to learn how to use it better so you could have email and do some other stuff?” Mom: “Yeah, that’d be nice.” Me: “We could email each other. I could send you pictures and stuff. It’d be a good thing for you to learn!” Mom: “Mmm hmm. It’d be nice. I learn.” How promising! I felt pretty good about Mom’s willingness to learn how to use email and develop a basic understanding of how the Internet and various websites work. Me: “We could even use Skype!” Mom: “What’s that?” Me: “It’s a program where you can call each other on the computer and video chat. So we’d be able to see each other while we talked.” Mom, waving her hand dismissively: “No.” Me, confused: “Whuh?” Mom, indignant: “I don’t have time for that.” Me, bewildered: “What? You don’t have time for video chat?” Mom: “No. It’s too much. No time for that.” Me: “I don’t–why–it’s the exact same as talking on the phone, only we’d be able to see each other. That’s it! That’s the only difference!” I tried to explain to Mom how Skype worked but she wouldn’t have it, stubbornly insisting that she had no time in her jam-packed schedule to learn how to video chat. How the hell does she justify being free to make phone calls but not having time for Skype?! They take the exact same amount of time! This is how I felt during the conversation: Mom: “I told you, Rebecca, no...

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