My Mother the Lazy Opportunist

Mar 13

Earlier I wrote about my brother’s hip surgery and how my mom stuffed him full of food as if he were facing the electric chair instead of a scalpel. John has had a slow and painful but steady recovery since the operation. This past weekend he progressed from using a walker to help move around to hobbling around on a pair of crutches. My mother, the lazy opportunist, took note of this recent change and asked him about it. Mom: “So…you using crutches now? No walker?” John: “Yeah, I’m feeling strong enough to get by with the crutches now.” She fell silent, the gears turning in her head. Mom: “…so whatchoo gonna do with walker?” John: “Uhhh…do you…want it?” Mom, happily: “Yeah! I use around house!” Let me clarify something: my mom is not disabled. She’s got the strength and athleticism of Mr. Burns, but she’s otherwise able-bodied and self-sufficient. There is no legitimate need for her to use a walker. John: “What the heck do you need a walker for?” Mom, indignant: “Sometimes I sore. Walker help me around house.” So there you go — my mom pouncing on an opportunity to maximize her...

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Yes, My Mom Knits Her Own Pants

Mar 11

Yes, My Mom Knits Her Own Pants

One of the many things I didn’t know about my mom until recently is that she likes to knit. She’s knitted hats and headbands for my nieces and recently whipped up a Michigan Wolverines-colored scarf for my brother so he’d stay warm after his hip surgery. I’ve previously had conversations with her where she had said she was sitting at home knitting pants, but I’ve never actually been able to catch a glimpse of these bad boys… …until now. My brother texted me this picture of my mom modeling her latest creation:   Yes, those are maroon-colored pants with a built-in belt. And yes, my mother has paired her hand-knitted pants with a furry gray vest and black and white striped socks. If this ensemble doesn’t scream Korean Whoville, I don’t know what...

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