Mom Misses the Point

Feb 01

Mom Misses the Point

A while back, I was reading a magazine when I saw a sidebar mention that South Koreans face extinction by the year 2750 unless they improve their “ultra-low” fertility rate.

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Mom Bets on the Seahawks

Feb 03

Mom Bets on the Seahawks

Jason and I were settling in to watch the Seattle Seahawks face off against the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl when I received a text from an unexpected fan.

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Mom Approves of My Bargain Chinese Food

Jan 08

Mom Approves of My Bargain Chinese Food

If it’s one thing my mom will always support me on, it’s scoring a ton of good food for cheap. In December, I traveled with Jason down to San Francisco to attend his company’s Christmas party. That weekend, we enjoyed the sunny, mild weather, by walking over to Chinatown to gorge ourselves on inexpensive dim sum and Chinese pastries. We found a sketchy restaurant and loaded up on a ton of food for a laughable amount of money, then hit up a Chinese bakery for some cocktail buns to stuff ourselves even more. Figuring my mother would appreciate my bargain binge-eating, I texted her:   And to my delight, she responded with this short but sweet gem:   Good life,...

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Mom Weighs in on My Engagement and Ring

Dec 23

Mom Weighs in on My Engagement and Ring

On October 12, my boyfriend of nine years surprised me with a pretty epic engagement while we were in New York City. It involved a pre-recorded message from an American Gladiator and it was appropriately perfect given how goofy-schmoopy (goopy? that doesn’t sound right) our relationship is. The day after Jason proposed, I called Mom to break the good news. Mom: “High bay-beee! Whatchoo doing?” Me: “Hi, Mom. We’re in New York City until tomorrow. I just wanted to call and tell you that we finally got engaged!” Mom: “Hahahahahahahaha!” Me: “…..” I wasn’t sure how my mom would react to the news, but I definitely didn’t expect heavy laughter. Me: “Uh…” Mom: “It’s about ti-iiiiiiiime!!” She actually said that in a singsong voice. Me: “Yeah, I know, we’ve been together forever.” Mom: “No, is okay. Is good. You two more shuh-cure now, good to wait until you ready.” Me: “Yeah, definitely.” Mom: “Jason good man, smart man, he take good care of you.” Me: “Yep, that’s why we’re together. You want to talk to him?” Mom: “Oh-kayyyyy!” I handed the phone to Jason and heard a loud “Con-grat-choo-LAY-shuns!!!” through the phone. Jason laughed and had a polite conversation with the future diminutive in-law before handing the phone back over. Mom wasn’t as happy-shocked as my friends thought she would be, but I wasn’t too surprised since she has two other children who have gone through the marriage/kids milestones already; plus, Jason and I have been together long enough that an eventual engagement wasn’t too out-of-the-ordinary. After I got back to Seattle and we got my engagement ring re-sized and the design tweaked, I sent a picture of it to my mom. I had always told Jason that I wasn’t interested in diamonds, partly because of my half-white guilt over how dangerous and exploitative the diamond trade business is, and partly because I feel it’s a waste of money to spend on an artificially inflated commodity. Jason heeded my request and bought me a simple white gold band with nine cubic zirconia embedded in it. I think it’s just as pretty as a more lavish engagement ring and nobody knows the stones are fake until I tell them. So...

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Mom Can’t Spell, But She Makes a Good Effort

Aug 21

Mom Can’t Spell, But She Makes a Good Effort

Recently, one of my aunts fell ill and passed away. I was unable to fly to Michigan to attend the funeral because I had a conflicting trip booked, but my mom and oldest brother assured me my extended family would understand and that I could send some sympathy cards and pitch in for a flower arrangement. My sister Mia and brother Gene both flew in to attend the funeral and visit family. I was a little sad to have missed the trip because my family and I haven’t all been together since my brother John’s wedding 13 years ago. John spent the week sending me various pictures of everyone and basically making me feel like a jealous turd for missing out. Last night, my mom texted me a picture of her and my siblings: For the record, my brothers are 6’2″ and 6’3″, whereas my mom is barely 5 feet tall, my sister is about 5’3″, and I’m 5’5″ (my dad is about 5’10”). We joke that since my mom is the tallest person in her family, she passed the “tall” gene onto my brothers. She followed that picture up with this text: After noticing that the last picture she sent me (a photo of my sister and her two boys posing with my stepdad) was accompanied by nothing but the letter ‘P’, it took me a couple reads before I realized my mom was trying to spell the word “midget.” When I finished dying from laughter, I showed the text to Jason, who had a similar reaction. An hour after I received the text, I had a missed call and a voicemail from my mom, which is transcribed below: Mom: “Hey Rebecca, 7:30. Remember I send you pick-sure you brothers, me, and Mia.” Yes, Mom, I remember events from an hour ago. Mom: “Two middle one.” I like how she felt the need to identify herself and my sister in the picture as if I was unsure who was who. Mom: “I try to say we look like a midget, me and Mia. Compared to two boys. I don’t know how to spell ‘midget’! Okay! So that means ‘midget’.” Thanks for the clarification,...

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Texting with Mom While in St. Croix

Jun 21

Texting with Mom While in St. Croix

In May my boyfriend and I took a trip to St. Croix in the Virgin Islands so he and some of my friends could compete in a half Ironman. I didn’t sign up so I was just there for a little rest and relaxation before starting a new job. Naturally, when I told my mom I was going out of town, she warned me to be careful and to make sure Jason and my friends were with me so I wouldn’t get murdernapped or something. When we arrived in St. Croix, I texted my mom a picture of the beachfront view from the balcony of the condo we were renting: Along with the picture, I let her know we arrived safely. After sending that off, I immediately received an amusing stream-of-consciousness reply: Of course she was at the farm. Those peppers aren’t going to pick and sell themselves! My boyfriend and I had a great time enjoying the sun and heat and getting some exercise. The race was brutal…for Jason, not for me. He suffered through 70.3 miles while I got drunk off $3 rum punches at 9:00 in the morning. Towards the end of our trip, my friends and I took a drive from Christiansted to Frederiksted, a city on the western side of St. Croix. We stopped at a beachside bar and enjoyed some Painkillers. Our friends snapped a picture of Jason and me in front of the water, which I sent to my mom: I let my mom know that it was our last day in St. Croix before returning home: She, of course, responded adorably: I gotta say, I’m enjoying these texts from Mom. They’re a pretty accurate reflection of her personality and never fail to put a smile on my...

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