Mom Explains What a GPS Is

Dec 12

I was working one chilly Monday morning when my phone rang. I looked down. The caller ID said “Mom” so I picked up, wondering where this call would rank on the “amusing/terrifying” meter.

Me: “Hello?”

Mom: “Hi honey, you still sleeping?”

Me: “What? No, I’m working.” It’s 11:15 am on a weekday. Really, Mom?

Mom: “What you and Jason want for Christmas?”

Me: “Well–”

Mom, interrupting: “I just send money. Is too hard send you gifts! Expensive. Post office pain in the ass.” Nice of her to ask what I wanted before immediately throwing in the towel and basically saying “Eff it, you get cash.”

Me: “That’s okay, I understand. Thanks!”

Mom: “You have Bank of America?”

Me: “As a bank? No.”

Mom: “Oh. If you have Bank of America I can put in you account instead of sending check. I do that for Mia and Gene. They have Bank of America.” Her tone suggested that I may have failed her as a child for not having an account through Bank of America.

Me: “Sorry.”

Mom: “”It’s okay, I mail to you.”

Me: “What do you and Kurt want for Christmas?”

Mom: “Oh, I don’t know. Nothing. John say get…navigation?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Navigation. For driving.”

Me: “A GPS?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s what you want for Christmas?” I had a hard time believing that Mom would want something that technologically complex (and yes, I realize a GPS system isn’t technologically complex, but we’re talking about my mother here).

Mom: “Well one time I try to get to Ann Arbor and ask John, and John say it’s too hard to tell me. He say I should get gee-pee-ess. He say he buy one for me but never did.”

Me: “Oh…” I really couldn’t picture my mom using a navigational system properly without getting frustrated and uttering several “Oh my gahhhhhh, this thing so stu-pud!”

Mom: “Kuhrt have old one.”

Me: “You guys already have one?”

Mom: “Is old one. Newer one they talk to you, tell you. I think. I’m not sure. I don’t know.”

At this point I was picturing the inevitable car crash immediately following Mom testing out her new GPS for the first time. I’m thinking a gift card would be better this year.

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